october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Why not just give up?

I'm depressed today (but is that really so surprising?) but I think I'll be okay. I feel like a complete failure because my room looks like a tornado has gone through it. Plus, I haven't found a job yet.
I guess I shouldn't give up hope but it's so easy to just give up! It's hard to keep from saying "fuck it" and curling up in a ball and letting time pass you by.
But you gotta keep pushing on. I have to keep going.
I need to do something different. This same old hum-drum shit is driving me nuts!
I wish I was someone who could take someone else's head off. I've always wanted to be talkative and peppy and happy and all the things I've never been.
I guess you can wish until you're blue in the face and it won't do you much good.
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. That just makes things worse...
Anyways, I should be studying but, as you can tell, I'm not! I need to make notes as well. I am absolutely no good at taking notes. I end up writing everything down that I read! Mom has given me some advice and I suppose I'm getting a little better at it but I still have alot to work on.
Children are so fascinating. They are so complex and amazing. The more I study child psychology and the more I think of it, I feel that it's my mission in life to work with children; to make life better for them. I really hope I can do it...
I wish there was something I could do to spice things up a bit. I'm so behind in my spiritual life that the Goddess has problem forgotten who I am by now.

1:14 p.m. - Tuesday, Nov. 16, 2004

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