october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Lament

Guess who hasn't had a period this month. Yes, that's right, it's me! I haven't had sex in months though (which is probably my problem but I'm not a slut so I don't go out looking for sex) so I know I'm not pregnant (as much as I wish I could be). Sometimes I want a baby so badly, it breaks my heart. But after one heart-breaking miscarriage (God forbid my mother is reading this), I'm scared I'll never be able to carry a child to term. And Azam hasn't called or even written or any damn thing for over 10 days. He tells me he loves me and blah blah blah and now he won't even call me now. I was ready to marry this guy (YES! I said it. Now it's out..) and I even fantisized about having his children. Yes, Jade, you are a moron.
Oh and sex is another one of my hang-ups. I've been told my whole life that it's a horrible deed, and, considering I've had "urges" since I was 10, not only for boys but for other girls, I often feel that I'm completely wrong for my feelings. I'm like any other person, I like sex, but it scares the shit out of me. I'm scared I'll be disowned or the worst possible scenario (that's just how I think). I'd never talk to my mother about what I've done. She would probably hate me. I don't know. I'm just confused about sex. My religion says it's just fine, but I've had it ground into my fucking head my whole life that it's an abomination. What's my opinion on it, you ask? I don't know, honestly. I like sex and can't really help it. But I feel like I'm in the "wrong". I love Azam and he's the only guy I plan on having sex with now or anytime soon and is there really anything wrong with that? I've had sex with 3 guys, does that make me a bad person? Yes, I'm sure I sound like a lost little girl and in some ways, I am. And I feel like a fucking idiot for it, too. I'm just peachy fucking keen until sex or my mother dying gets brought up somehow. Then I'm confused as hell and don't know what's going on.
I'm crying again. Crying harder than I have in a long time. But I can't help it, not this time.
There are times when I'm still in complete shock over the atrocities that have taken place, now and years ago. I wake up wishing it was all a nightmare, but I know everything's true. So many beautiful children have been taken from their families and killed. So many people are hurting and no matter what happens, it doesn't fail to shock and sadden me. I want to take the world into my arms and tell them that everything will be okay. But will it really? I don't believe so, unless the world does some major changing and soon. I want to take away the pain of every living person but that is a wild fantasy. I want peace and happiness and that's another wild fantasy.
I know I sound like a whiny bitch who has her head in the clouds but this is me, I'm a wishful thinker with enough of a little girl left in her to dream and wish the impossible, and who still loves people for who they are at the core.
There was a little girl, 13 years old, named Sarah that went missing in Florida nearly a week ago. They found her body in some water in the area where she went missing. How fucking long must this shit go on?! How many children have to lose their precious lives because of the sick, demented, worthless, child-raping scum that roam the streets?
I love humans in general. I may not like what people do, but I don't want anyone to get hurt. But when it comes to sex offenders, they all need to be killed. It's proven that sex offenders cannot be rehabilitated, so why let them take up space? Why waste resources and time on them? Put them out of their and our misery. I'm sure I'll offend about a million people by saying that, but that is how I feel. I am absolutely disgusted by all of the mother-fuckers out there who commit sex crimes and are let out on the street afterwards. It's a topic that I feel so strongly about that I'd risk my life for it. Too many females and many males as well now are suffering from these demented acts. It has to stop. That's all there is to it.
Okay, Jade, take a breath and cool it!
On a completely different subject, the new make-up that I'm using has actually cleared up the pimples that I have right now. I'm quite impressed! I knew Neutrogena was a good brand but I never expected it to work this well!

1:09 a.m. - Sunday, Apr. 17, 2005

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