october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Lots of emotions, not enough words for them

I've been at a complete loss for words recently. I don't know what to say anymore. I want to write but I can't, because I don't know what to write. My life isn't exciting. Nothing really exciting ever happens. I'm left writing about my emotions. How can I write about my emotions, though, when I don't really know what I'm feeling?
There is many elements of my life that I'm not happy with right now. I'm out of school, I don't have a job, I'm living off my mother, I want to eat constantly. All of these things I am ashamed of. I should do something about it, right? How do I even begin? Finding a job is nearly impossible in a town of this size. Half the town is unemployed but you wonder how much effort they put into finding a job. I shouldn't comment on it, though, because I often wonder about my own efforts in finding a job. Do I want to leave badly enough to do whatever it may take to get out? I don't want to leave my mother here. I don't want her to live out her days in this mess for a town. But I don't want to live out my days here. What do I choose? My own life or my mother? Time is running out for me to decide...
Most of the time, when I'm in a rough situation, I sit down with a cup of tea and everything seems to work out just fine. I can't do that in this situation.
Theres so much on the line here. I know my mother needs me but I also know that I need to leave for my own benefit. If I don't leave, I'll be miserable. I'll never achieve my dream, I'll never have my own business, and I'll never see England, let alone live there. If I leave, I'll feel guilty for leaving my mother here.
Okay, I suppose I don't have to worry about all of this at the current moment, but its on my mind. Its always on my mind.

3:41 a.m. - Friday, Dec. 16, 2005

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