october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Lots of heartbreak...as usual

I finally told Tiffany the truth today. But not until after a looooooong arguement.
I got online to find a big, huge blog entry, by Tiffany, about how I'm just like her ex and I lie to her and I've stood her up. I was dumb-founded. So, I tried calling her over and over again. No answer. I sent her a message on MSN and it took her a while to reply. She claims that I made plans to meet with her today. I don't remember saying anything at all about meeting today. She may have thought it but she never said a single word to me about it.
That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told her flat out that I was sick of the constant argueing. I also told her that I have feelings for her, but I can't let her destroy me. I can't let her bring me down after just bringing my self back up.
The whole thing tore me up. I wanted so badly to hold her and tell her that it would all be okay and things will work out. I wanted to say that I'm sorry for saying what I did and I take it all back. But I couldn't. Because things weren't going to be okay. Not now, not ever. My heart broke for her. I hurt for both of us. My heart is too soft. I feel the need to mother everyone, especially people I care about.
I can't do this again. I can't keep on with my distructive patterns. I seem to choose relationships that I know won't work; with people who are completely disfunctional. If I get in another one of these relationships, it will completely distroy me. I can't let that happen because I've come such a long way.
Darius really getting on my nerves. I cannot stand his horrible attitude. He thinks he's the shit and it's annoying as hell. I'm so glad he spent the night with one of his friends last night
My stomach is all torn up.

4:31 p.m. - Sunday, Jul. 30, 2006

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