october-moon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- another day...just believe... Bide the Wiccan laws ye must...in perfect love and perfect trust. It's been a lazy day! But I did get some studying in today! Yay:) If only I could focus for longer than a half hour. I need to FORCE myself to focus. I'm trying to decide what pantheon I am going to go with. I am leaning towards the Roman pantheon. If I have to argue with Rachel one more time, I'll scream. I never do anything right with her. I'm sick of this shit... I have to keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day. A new day to start all over again and try not to fuck up. That only I can change how things are. That only I can deal with my emotions. God, if only I could really convince myself of this!I always find it easier to blame my family for the fact that I am messed up. I guess, in part, it is their fault, considering mental illness is actually part of my family. It's not easy have a bi-polar mother who's a religious fanatic and a sister who hears and sees shit. Another sister who is so "perfect" that she makes me sick and another that doesn't seem to understand that when you are on the verge of losing your job, and you have a baby on the way, you don't buy 300 dollar purses. Of course, it's not easy being on the verge of suicide everyday, but I can handle it better than I can handle being around my family at times. I told mom of my plans of getting Holly and Jessica's names tattooed on my arm. Of course she thought it was stupid and told me it would be a bad idea because I might change my mind down the road. It's not about having a tattoo and it's not about how I'm going to feel further down the line. It's about 2 best friends being killed and my way of dealing with the pain. Sure, it's permanent, but so is their deaths. Their souls are coming back but Holly and Jessica will never be back. It's not about me, it's all about them... I miss Walter! I wish he would get home from work! I can't believe it's almost 1 week into the New Year! And I've already been in every possible mood. Is that a record? I've spent most of my time crying. 7:17 p.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 06, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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