october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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My f*cked-up mom

Oh, my God! I can't believe it. I was sitting in the living room, watching "Gozu" and mom said, "You're not going back to school next quarter, are you?". I said yes and I asked her why she asked me that question. She was like "You're having enough trouble with the preliminary classes. What makes you think the more difficult classes will be any easier?" I was hurt and saddened by that. Why would a mother say that to her child that is trying so hard to make a life for herself that's decent? I said "If you truly love me, mom, you would encourage me to go on and pursue my education that I want". She proceeded to tell me that she thinks education is "over-rated". O_o For the love of God, could she hear herself talking?!? Does she not realize that you can't get a decent job without an education? And just because she doesn't value education doesn't mean that I don't. It is of the upmost importance to me.
Does she want me to turn out like her? Dependant upon 3 husbands and never being happy? Never having a real job and taking care of 4 kids? I'm sorry but that's not how my life is going to be. I don't want to be a house wife or mother. I don't want to sit around and do nothing. I want to live my life. I want to live every moment of it.
My mom is a coward. She hides from everything. The truth is...she should have never raised children, because her parenting skills are very poor. But she did and we're here and we have to make the best of it.
I'm glad to have the opportunity to live and, for that, I'm grateful to her. I'm not grateful for all of the other shit she's put me through. I'm not grateful for the miserable childhood. I'm not grateful for her religious fanaticism. I'm not grateful for her disrespect for anyone who doesn't believe the way she is. I'm not grateful for the effect her mental illness has had on me.
I need to be away from her. That is the best thing for me right. She has a way of bringing down your mentality and I don't need that right now. We need to be seperate for a while.

6:12 p.m. - Wednesday, Aug. 09, 2006

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