october-moon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if onlys and what ifs Today has been rather boring. Nothing significant happened. I took a bath this evening and did some meditation. I realized my ass is getting to big for the damn bath tub and that scares me! It was so peaceful though. Just sitting and meditating. Tomorrow, I'll have work coming out my behind, so I better be grateful for this "me" time. Lynn and Joshua aren't coming until Friday, so that gives an extra day to clean. I did alot of meditation on the cleaning I have to do tomorrow. I absolutly HAVE to get it done. I won't forgive myself if I don't. I did get some work done in my Book of Shadows, which I'm very proud of! I was always so scared that I would screw something up, but I realize now, it's about doing what feels right. I'm going to do it the way I want to. I did some crying today. Not as much as usual, but some. As I've said before, I have too much time to think. Too much time to regret and hate myself. Too many if onlys and what ifs. My mind keeps drifting back to Holly and Jessica and what I could have done, being thousands of miles away. I could have done something and I know it. Just something. I can't help but to feel that it is my fault; that it all rests on my shoulders. I seriously feel that I am going to have another nervous break down. I do not know if I could handle it this time. Would there be anything left of me if it happened again? I was so far gone before. It took so much out of my soul. I couldn't stand the emptiness again. For anyone who is confused when I talk about all these Hollys...when I talk about Holly (Wells) and Jessica (Chapman), I'm talking about best friends that went missing and were murdered in 2002. The case completely broke my heart, and I felt as if I had lost a part of my family. When I talk about just Holly (Seaton), I'm talking about my daughter. Holly (McCormick)was a girl I was friends with that was in a car wreck and killed in 2002. So yeah, the name Holly is very special to me. 8:05 p.m. - Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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