october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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There is no gray...

I have always been a jealous person. I suppose it's because of my insecurity. But it seems that someone is always better at something than I am. Someone is always prettier, thinner, smarter, spiritual than I am. So many girls my age have done a lot more than I have and many girls younger than me have done more. I'm 19 and still a bloody virgin. Pathetic. I feel completely pathetic.
I get jealous over the smallest things. I don't know what to do about it! I try so hard not to be jealous of everyone around me but it's so hard. I feel so inferior to everyone.
I feel like I have no say in who I am and what makes me who I am. I know it's not true and I know I am perfectly worthy but I still feel like a complete loser. I don't live up to my own standards. With me, it's black and white. There is no gray. There is never an in-between. You're either a complete failure and complete success.
Laura is my best friend. I want her to be happy. I'd give her everything I have, but yet I'm jealous of the fact that she can get so many dates! I mean, she deserves them, of course. I just wish I knew her secret. She always has loads of guys messaging her. It's proper fascinating! How can I make myself more like her? She so much cooler than I am. She's funny, smart, and a hell of a lot smarter than I am. She's done alot more than I'll ever get to do. She's been more places than me.
I have psychological issues. That's pretty obvious lol I shouldn't compare myself to anyone, especially my best friend, because that will cause a bloody huge load of problems. It causes ever more jealousy problems. Comparing yourself to anyone is the root of jealousy, at least that's what I think, so it's better to get it out of your system completely.
I always have fun when I talk to her. I laugh more than I ever had with a friend. Today, we were messing around with this guy's head on AIM and I was having a proper great time! She a great, wonderful friend and I'm glad to have her. Now, I just need to deal with my inferiority issues.
I told Laura today that I am going to lose my virginity by the time I am 21 or else die trying! If I could find a cute British guy to lose it to, that would be even better lol *winks* I wonder if I'm the only girl who is repulsed at the thought of a naked man at times?
Okay, I feel alot better now that I've run my mouth a bit. Laura is lovely and if she can get 100 dates, that's wonderful. I'm glad for her:) I know, one day, she will be glad for me, as well. I care too much about her to stay jealous.

6:29 p.m. - Tuesday, Jan. 25, 2005

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