october-moon's Diaryland
Diary
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Am I paranoid?
Here I am, once again, up in the middle of the night. I get so sick of not being able to sleep like regular people. It gets annoying.
Melissa is bugging me once again. She is talking about something called "Yogalaties"? I'm guessing it's a mix of Pilates and Yoga? Grrr, why must I feel this way? Why must I have such a low tolerance level for her? She just has a way about her; like she knows it all. But I suppose that's how "children" act. I have compassion for everyone else. Why can't I feel some for her? I feel such contempt for someone I have never even met and probably never will. Can she help how she acts? I'm so unsure of myself and my feelings when it comes to dealing with her. I feel that way about a lot of people. Sometimes I get so angry at Laura that I could just scream. But I'm learning to shrug off most of it.
So often, I feel that people are trying to steal what makes me "me". What I mean is, if someone likes the same thing I am, I feel threatened. I feel like they are trying to take something away from me rather then just sharing a common interest. I only share what I truly love with people I trust because of this. Like when I meet someone who loves Yoga or tea or horror films, as myself, I feel like they are set out to take it away from me. Like that person could steal what makes me who I am. I know how foolish this sounds but this is such a large part of my insecurity. It's so hard to find yourself when you have such a shaky foundation.
I know what I like and I know what I am most passionate about in life. Why should I feel insecure? If I know what makes up most of "me", I have no reason to feel threatened or intimidated.
I feel so much better getting that out! I have never admitted that to anyone or said it before. Yay, I just took a major step towards establishing my identity. Woo hoo!
Oh my God, I'm horrible. I've caught myself actually feeling like I'm "better" than Melissa. That is not me at all! I wasn't raised like that and I wasn't taught that. I know I'm no better than any other person on Earth but it's just so hard to feel that way when you're dealing with someone like Melissa. I feel so bad now:( This is not right at all. I don't know what to think now. I'm completely shocked with myself.
I'm a firm believer in karma and I have a feeling that all of my good karma just went out the window! I always try to make sure I don't say anything to really hurt somebody's feelings. I avoid being rude to people because 1) I don't like hurting people and 2) I know it will all come back on me. So, what's my deal now?! I don't feel anything but anger towards Melissa and the urge to be nasty towards her. Am I a horrible person?
Ok, now I just feel like scum. Melissa just told me that her IQ is 87. Mine is 130. Who should have been the bigger man here? @ 6:50 p.m. Has anyone ever noticed how so many Christians are people who are A) mentally ill or mentally challenged B) are completely hopeless losers or C) Have a illness and need something to cling to? Maybe I'm wrong, but this is honestly how I feel about it. That's all I've ever known Christians to be is that which I listed above. Not all Christians are that way, I'm sure. But a large number of 'em are.
I have so fat, ugly guy telling me I'm going to hell because I dress in black and he's throwing Bible verses thrown at me. What to do? Laugh in his face, of course. What do do when most Christians start their lectures and speeches? Laugh in their faces. Okay, well, no. Some of the smarter once make some wonderful points that are great for life in general. I've listened to some really intelligent Christian ministers with my mother and they have been very enlightening. But not as far as religion goes. So much of the Christian principles can be applied without religion or spirituality at all.
As for the whole situation with Melissa, I'm half past give a shit now. I told her not to IM me on MSN, I told her not to call me, and I told her not to e-mail me. She does all three. So, I'm finished trying to be nice. I'm not a damn charity. I don't have to be a martyr for everybody.
1:10 a.m. - Tuesday, Apr. 12, 2005
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