october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Crying/Cleaning Day

I'm crying my eyes out but what's new? I tend to cry at the drop of a hat. I was thinking about Holly and Jessica and how they died with each other but they didn't have anyone to hold their hands, to comfort them and tell them they would be okay. They didn't have their parents to hold them. Jesus, it just tears me up. I wish I could have done something. I would have given my own life, even though I never knew either of them in life. I can't stand thinking about it but it comes into my mind everyday. It tears me up inside because it doesn't go away. I don't think it ever will. I feel like I've lost my own children.
Okay, happy thoughts! Let's think happy thoughts. I plan on getting my room clean today FOR SURE No ifs, ands, or beds! I'll feel so much better if I just make myself so some work.
Life is going fairly well in general. I'm not REALLY depressed, but I did sleep almost all of the day away. I woke up at 10 a.m., went back to sleep at 12:30 p.m., then woke up at a quarter 'til 3. I feel like a lazy cow. But it was raining all day long and laying around and doing nothing was so tempting. It was raining and you know the effect that can have on you!
Matters between mother and I are going very well. We don't fight even half as much as we used to. I just wish she wasn't so depressed. I'm learning to cherish every single moment with her. I have Tracy to thank for that. I can't even imagine the pain and grief she went through, losing her mom at 18. I would have just laid down and died. Everytime I think about it, I start crying. I feel so horrible that it happened. It's not fair at all.
Okay, here I go again, crying until I can't see straight. Someone smack me, please. Smack the depression right out of me!
I'll be okay. I just need some sleep and a good cleaning session. I'll feel a hell of alot better once I get all this clutter cleared out of my room and everything put in it's place. My book shelves are still in the middle of my floor. I have to get the old desk thrown away. I've got lots to do. I will admit, I don't want to do it. I feels like such a huge job but I know that once I start tackling it, I will get it done in no time. So, today is cleaning day!
I do believe that the almost 1 week break that took place because Laura came to the USA was much needed. I haven't felt the need to strangle her! lol We haven't even had a minor argument since she got back. And I totally enjoy talking to her again. We laugh and have loads of fun. I feel the way I did back when we first met.
According to iTunes, I have listened to the song "When The Stars Go Blue" by the Corrs 107 times. Interesting...
Oh yes! And I forgot to mention that I spoke to Rob the other day. He gave me his cell phone number so I could text him but I'm not gonna be texting anyone for a while because I'm outta credit!

@ 5:56 p.m.

1:23 a.m. - Wednesday, Apr. 13, 2005

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