october-moon's Diaryland
Diary
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What am I depressed about?
I'm emotionally tired. I'm depressed. I'm unhappy. I feel like crying all the time now. I feel hopeless.
Everything is making me sad now. I want to cry over everything. But, I don't even have a valid reason for being sad or depressed anymore. It's just there and it just happens. Before, I was in mourning. It was a reason to be depressed and to not get out of bed. But, life has moved on, the pain has faded (but will never fade away completely, which I wouldn't want it to. You have to carry pain the way you carry happy in your heart). Time has gone by. I don't know what to blame my grief on. Am I habitually depressed and unhappy?
I see life marching on and I'm scared. I'm scared beyond belief. What can I do? I have to face the inevitable; face my fears. I'm not ready for it, though. There's still so much of a little girl inside me that is not ready to let go. How do I cope??
I'm so focused on the bad things in my life. But what about the good things? Let me see:
- I'm alive
- My family loves and cares for me
- I have a nice home
- I'm doing very well in college
- I'm fairly healthy and I'm not starving or dehydrated
- I'm intelligent
- I have what I need and more than I could ever want
I'm sure I can come up with more. Just give me time. And, if I can't, then I will have to find more positive aspects to incorporate into my life. It's that simple. Not half as difficult as I believed at first.
I wish I wasn't so attached to my mother. I'm so scared all the time of something happening to her. I'm scared of so many things. And I don't know what to do about it.
12:25 a.m. - Saturday, Jul. 02, 2005
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