october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Passion

I'm up all night once again! I was laying in bed a few minutes ago with my mind racing. I'm worrying about being "the best" in the tea industry. First of all, I'm not even in the tea industry yet and secondly, I must keep in mind that it's not about being the best, it's about working with what I love. I don't even really want to be the best. I just want to share my love of tea with people and surround myself all day with one of the things I love most: TEA!
I've already got a few names I'm considering for a tea shop. Perhaps giving a not-yet-in-existance tea shop a name is jumping the gun once again, but it makes my dream feel more real. Giving something a name gives it substance. This is no differant than picking out names of my future children.
As I laid in bed, thinking, I also wondered why I ever tried to persue any other paths. I don't love computers. I don't particularly love psychology anymore. Criminology is too depressing for me nor do I "love" it. I'm NOT going to be an actress nor do I want to be. I love to write and I love tea. So I'm going to write and have a career based around tea. I'm learning that you have to do what you love, not what people want you to do. If you don't love what you do, you're going to be unhappy. You MUST have passion for what you do!

10:34 p.m

Today was a bit rough. I came to the "end" (or is it the beginning?) of my cycle *clears throat* and I'm feeling tired and tad depressed. Plus, a person I associate with really got me down. Usually, I'd feel like as if the world was ending because a friendship was in turmoil. I don't feel like that tonight. Mainly because I have a lead on where I'm going in this life.
I don't have to depend on others for my happiness. I don't have to depend on having friends to keep my life going. I don't have to base my life around others, which, despite my denial, I have let others rule my world.
I'm quite sick of feeling like I have to change every little thing about myself that someone doesn't like. I don't have to give up Wicca simply because my mom doesn't like it. I don't have to stop getting tattoos because my family doesn't like it. I think I should be able to live life the way I want to as long as I'm not hurting anybody else. Perhaps that is selfish, but that's how I feel.
I'm sorry if I sound like I'm ranting but I needed to get these feelings out and I'm sorry if I sound melodramatic. This is ME, though. Who I am. Why do some people want to take that away from me?

4:15 a.m. - Friday, Sept. 02, 2005

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