october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Will today be the day?

Yay, I'm up at (close to) 6 a.m. this morning. I am quite proud of myself! Perhaps this is a sign that I can get something done today.
I was in a terrible mood yesterday. I wanted to tell everyone to go to hell. I felt like I was trapped in this house and that I am never going to leave. I felt as though my life is slipping away and all I could do was sit and cry about it.
I suppose this was all brought up by a dream I had last night. In the dream, it was a pleasant summer day. There was a nice breeze. I was listening to the radio about that "Jack and Diane" song came on. Something about it made me incredibly sad. I felt as though I was too "old" to do anything new with my life and that I was stuck. I started crying in my dream. I woke up with a terribly sad feeling in my heart. The whole day long, I felt like a waste of space. I'm doing nothing with my life now and this is not what I want. I don't want to not move forward. It's a miserable feeling and I know others know the feeling, as well.
Will today be the day that I can finally muster enough strength to move on with my life?
I sat in my bed last night and looked out the window. My room was dark and all I could see was the house next door and the Moon shining through the clouds in the sky. I thought of all I would miss if I didn't move forward. None of my dreams would ever be acheived if I completely gave into my depression. Many times, I've wanted to crawl into bed and stay there, until I die. There are other things I want more than to die, though. That is why I am still alive now. Anyway, I decided last night to refuse to think that I can't do anything I want to do. I refuse to think I won't beat this depression. I will go everywhere I want to go and do everything I want to do. It's up to me to make it happen, though. No one else can make it happen but me.

9:54 a.m.- I just got done with breakfast. I actually got to finish my tea this morning! I'm in a fairly good mood. I'm fine as long as I don't have to listen to everyone's problems. I know how selfish that sounds, but listen to mom and so many other people go on about what's wrong in their lives all the time and sometimes I just need a break for a while.
I suppose I'm cold for not wanting to hear every single little thing that's going wrong in the lives of every single person I know and every single person I talk to online. This isn't to say that I don't care (or perhaps it does? Is it a subconscious thing?). I know I can be very selfish at times but I do care about what's going on in the world. I just don't let it all depress me. If I let every disaster and death get me down, I'd be down for the rest of my life and well into the next one.
What brought this about was the fact that I get bombarded with IM's everytime I get on, saying this or that has happened. I do want to hear what's going on in your lives. But give me a break once in a while.

5:53 a.m. - Thursday, Sept. 15, 2005

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