october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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A series of unfortunate events

It seems my computer has decided to go wonky right after I typed an entry. How lovely.
I've been thinking so much. Constantly. I have come to a few conclusions.
Firstly, I regret what I've done, but how do I manage my regret? I asked myself and this is what I came up with: I can regret what I do but it doesn't have to consume my life. I can accept that what happened has happened. Absolutely nothing can change it.
I'm a strong believerin karma and I believe that we get everything back 3-fold, for good or ill. I accept that this will all come back to me but I am not going to live in fear of it.
I am going to move on with my life and I'm going to be happy, no matter what is happening in my life. I am going to learn from this and put the new-found knowledge to good use. I won't live in fear of the past and what it will do to my present. I will only work to make my present better so that my future can be better.
Secondly, I have realized now that if it hadn't been me Shen did this with, it would have been someone else. I'm not condoneing or justifying what took place, but the truth of the matter is: this must be his true nature. It would have come revealed it's self sooner or later, one way or the other. It's better that it came out now, while his wife can still make a life for herself away from Shen.
Honestly, the whole arrangement seemed shady to me from the beginning. Why would a 28 year old man marry a 14 year old? I asked him this and he partly gave me an answer and said he would "explain it when we see each other". Logic would tell a person that something wasn't right. That something didn't "click". Surely she knew; that none of it could be real. This is beside the point, though. I won't judge her, because I'm sure he told her one hell of a story right from the beginning of it all. Judge not lest ye be judged. I just thank God that it's not me in the situation.
Thirdly, I have no morsel or speck of desire to be with or associate myself with Shen again. All feelings are completely lost and I do not wish to see or speak to him again. So, no worries of me ever speaking to him again.
Fourthly, I quite frankly do not care if I am believed or not now. I don't wish to discuss it again. I know what I know and I know what happened. I know the truth and I've told the truth and that's the best I can do. If she chooses to believe him, that is perfectly fine. That's her prerogative. It won't end here, though. Once a cheat, always a cheat.
And lastly, let it be known that it was never my intention to hurt anyone. It was never my intention to break up a marriage. I did not set out in the beginning to cause complete turmoil. Despite what she thinks, I am not that type of woman.
It all started on Valentine's Day of this year, with a few simple words exchanged. Who the hell knew that it would turn into this?! Who knew that it would turn into the situation that would completely change how I think and who I trust for the rest of my life? I choose to call it "The Series of Unfortunate Events". Too badthat book title is already taken. This would make prime publishing material.

6:39 a.m. - Sunday, Jul. 09, 2006

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