october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Facing it all alone

I was going to write about the trip tonight but I just don't have the energy.
What's there to say anyway? It's the same old thing. I'm ignored. My family and the few friends I have don't give two shits about anything I say. I won't lie. It hurts, to an extent. But I can't change it. I try talking to my own sister and all she gives me is 2-word answers. What more can I do?
When I try to talk to anyone like an adult, they snap my head off. I tried to tell my sister about my birthday drinking and she gets all pissy with me. Like I'm some fucking 10 year old that shouldn't drink. I can't tell her my opinion on shit. Just like I can't tell mom my opinions. But does it really matter?? My opinion matters to me. That's all that really counts.
So, I'm backing off from all of them. If they want me, they know where to find me. Otherwise, just leave me the fuck alone.
It's time to tell the truth: I am facing the world alone. I probably always will. Some people make friends, others don't.
This is never what I intended. I always wanted to be the person that everyone had fun with and everyone wanted to be around but I never knew how to be that person. But it doesn't matter. This is my life. What will be will be.
Things will eventually change...for better or for worse. No matter what, I can handle all of it, support or no support.
Okay, Jade, shut up and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I've been sleeping so much lately. Being on the rag takes all my energy and it makes me want to eat the whole fridge. Yet I still can't bring myself to hate it. Having my period actually makes me feel like a female and a human female for that matter! I need that as much as possible, considering I've beat myself down so much that I've made myself feel subhuman. I know it sounds rather odd but I appreciate my menstrual cycle. I felt like I was such a weirdo that even my body couldn't get it's cycles straight. I have lots more to write but I'm heading to bed. I need sleep. I'll write more tomorrow. oyasuminasai!

10:05 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 22, 2006

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