october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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But what can I do?

Sometimes I really miss Shen. Maybe I don't have a right to miss him, but I do. Before he was anything else, he was my friend. He made me feel human and he made me feel that I was wanted. Then everything became a mess. I have so much I want to tell him about. I used to tell him about literally everything. He was my best friend. He was the only person I could trust. Then it was all gone. The Shen I knew disappeared and I was left with the real Shen, the one that didn't really care.
I loved him. I loved him so much and when everything turned out the way it did, I was left with a big fucking hole in my chest.
This is the first time since the whole ordeal happened that I let myself think about it. And now that I have, I've done nothing but open up wounds and I've made myself feel miserable all over again.
Sometimes I'll look on my caller I.D. and hope to see his number on there, thinking that he'll call me and make everything alright. I know that won't happen but I can't control my imagination.
Part of me wanted him to leave his wife, but I knew how mean and cruel it would be if he did. I didn't want her to be hurt. So I pushed it out of my mind. All I know is I wanted him to love me the way I loved him, even if it wasn't entirely possible or practical. I'm a dreamer and I believe anything can happen.
I just miss him but what can I do?

4:42 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 28, 2006

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