october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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What are you dying for? To be free....

"What are you afraid of?
When all the years fade away
What are you made of?
From the ties that hold us down
What are you fighting for?
To feel them all
What are you dying for?
To be free"
Today has had it's up's and down's. I guess that's how every day is, but today, everything seems more...what's word for it?...pronounced, maybe. I seem to notice every little detail and every mood.
Beth is in the middle of one of her fits right now and today, I feel very sad about it. On some days, I just want to smack her and tell her to shut up. But today, I feel almost moved to tears. No one deserves a life like her's. To be stuck between being a child and being an adult..forever. I can't imagine how difficult it is for her. Mom was getting pissed a few minutes ago and I could hear her talking to Beth and I know that mom is tired and who knows how much more she can handle.
*sighs* I'm so sick of being repeatitive. I get tired of writing about how sad life can be and how much pain I've felt and that I'm still feeling. This isn't how I truly am all the time. I know I appear to be sad almost constantly but this isn't how I feel all the time. This is only a small part of who I am and I know that. But when and if, years from now and even now, someone reads this, I know I sound like a perpetually depressed and unhappy person. That's not exactly the picture I want to portray. But as I've said before, this isn't about other people. It's about helping myself. Its here for me to leave a record of my life that will (hopefully) be here once I'm long gone.
I talked to Chris for the first time in a long while a few days ago. He still talks to Walt and Walt has a girlfriend. While a tiny part of me was sad because I know I gave up such a wonderful guy, the rest of me was happy that he was able to move on and live his life. I wonder if he hates me because of what I put him through. I can feel it.
Ok, you know what? Fuck regretting the past. I can't deal with it anymore. I've said numerous times that there is no point in regret of any kind. It doesn't solve anything. And, as I've asked before, what does it truly mean to regret?
Eh, I'll write more later. I'm just not up to it right now.

8:30 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 28, 2006

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