october-moon's Diaryland Diary

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Intimidated

I had one of those nights where I dreamed constantly. When I wake up from nights like that, I feel tired and achy all over. Weird. I've been lazy today and everytime I'd lay down to take a nap, the phone would ring, and it was sales people. It was irritating. So, after about 4 calls in a damn row, I got up for good and, since I was home alone, I made mac and cheese and watched part of "Infection" which is really not a good film to watch while eating.
I've been able to put a name to the feelings I have so often. I feel intimidated. I have a feeling I've known that name for it and I've mentioned it before but I forgot, but whatever. All I know is that I feel intimidated. The energy of some things in life is too overwhelming for me and I start to feel intimidated. Thats definitely not the way to live life. Why should I feel intimidated by life? I don't truly feel like life is too much for me to take on or handle. I feel like I can do whatever I want to do. Yet, I still feel intimidated by it all. What's my problem?
One of the reasons for my rather gloomy moods, which I'm sad to say, is that I ran out of Paxil. That stuff seems to go through your system quickly. I don't want to think about being bound to anti-depressants for the rest of my life so I guess I'll take it one day at a time, as I've said before. It scares me to think that I could be like this for the rest of my life if I don't take pills.
I sat down for an actual tea time for the first time in a while. It felt great. I want and need to do it more often. I love it and I should spend more time doing things I love before the things I hate start to eat me up.
I've been thinking (again) about how I crave acceptance and I wonder why I was/partially still am worried about people accepting me and my ways. I asked myself if it really matters if people like what I write or if they like the way I dress or the way I put on make-up and the million other things I obsess over. The answerI came up with is it really doesn't matter at all.

4:54 p.m. - Tuesday, Aug. 29, 2006

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