october-moon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- warm tears How can one person cry as much as I do? I would think, after a while, that you'd run out of tears! But, I started the day crying. I will probably end the day crying as well. Why must I feel this way? I feel so tortured. I feel uneasy. I can't find peace anywhere. There's always the pain deep down in the depths of my heart. Such a feeling of loss and beravement. I don't understand this at all. I'm taking my anti-depressants. Aren't they suppost to help with this? I've never felt like this while on the anti-depressants. But, I suppose, when you are hurting deep down, to the very core, no pills are going to help. Nothing will help but time. Sometimes I just feel like ending it all. The pain of this world's cruelty is too much to bare. I want to see my grandmother. I want to see Holly and Jessica. I want to see Holly M. I want to embrace them all and tell them I love them because I never got a chance to before. I want the pain to end. I want peace. I guess I have to hang in there. I have to battle it day after day, and hope it will be okay eventually. I don't know if my Spirit would be at peace if I killed myself. When I do die, I do not wish to return to Earth. I want to stay in the Summerland and watch over those left on Earth. *sighs* Anyway, I'm not sure if Lynn and Joshua are coming today. It's so cold out, but sunny, which is a big change! It's been rather gloomy here, which just adds to the damn depression. Some sunshine will do me some good. Plus, Joshua running around will help. I didn't get my room finished but oh well, I guess I'll get it done when I get it done. I miss Walter... 5:25 p.m. I broke down crying in front of mom in the kitchen today. I couldn't help it. I had it all built up inside and I had to let it out. We went to WalMart and I almost started crying in the parking lot. I definitely need to go to Cincinnati for my birthday. Cincinnati or Spokane, Either one will do just fine. I just need away from this house. I need a new setting to live in. Joshua and Lynn aren't coming tomorrow because Lynn is sick. This is about the 3rd day they havent come as they planned. As I've said before, right now just isnt a good time. 8:46 a.m. - Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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