october-moon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- missing heart Yes, I'm in the middle of another crying fit. One minute I'll be okay, the next I will be crying my eyes out. Right now, I feel horrible. I feel as if my heart is gone from my chest and theres a big, empty hole there that causes undieing pain. What can I do? What can I do to ease the pain, if only for a little bit? I someone could give me some ideas, I would be more than grateful. I think I honestly need to stay away from anything concerning Holly and Jessica and any other murdered child. It's causing alot of pain, and I can't handle it right now. I don't want to forget the children, I just can't deal with the heartache right now. I need a mental vacation. Am I really able to handle this? Am I really able to handle the death of children? Could I do this for the rest of my life? Will it end up destroying me? I honestly need to consider whether I am brave enough to deal with missing and murdered children enough to make it my career. I have to be brave, I suppose. I don't know if I really have a choice in the matter. This is whats calling me. Sometimes I wish I had never heard of Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. I definitely wish that Ian Huntley (the man who killed them) had never been born. Sometimes I wish I had never known that there were missing children in the world. But that wouldnt make it go away, would it? Just because you dont think about it doesnt mean it didn't happen. This world is cruel, and life is fragile. We need to hold on to the little good that is left. Sanguine DEFINITION: ruddy; cheerfully optimistic. 4:05 p.m. I'm going to do the best I can to keep my chin up today. I keep telling myself, over and over again, in my head, that I'll be alright. Everything will be okay, despite how I usually feel. Life will go on. I will be fine. Life with be fine. I will handle whatever I want or need to handle and that's that. I have to be strong and deal. I can make it. (this is me giving myself a pep talk. I don't want to sound overly confident, ha, right :|) I did manage to get some stuff picked up off my floor. 12:30 a.m. - Sunday, Feb. 08, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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