october-moon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sacrificing life or enduring pain I cried. I cried because I had to. I couldn't hold it in any longer. Sometimes I don't think I can go on. The pain is so great and my heart is so heavy at times I feel as if it will stop beating or burst. Sometimes I want it to. I can't decide between life and death. Is life worth enduring pain? Is death worth sacrificing the chance to live? If there is anyone at all reading this, please, PLEASE pray for my strength. I can't deal without the help of the God and Goddess. I keep telling myself, that if I don't live life for me, it's for Holly and Jessica and all the others that we've lost. I may not care about myself enough, but I do care about them enough to endure the pain. I care enough about Holly and Jessica to fight. I love them enough to live. I love my family enough to live. I love Walter enough to live. I love Holly Virginia enough to live. I have so many dreams and they are big. I don't plan on giving up now. Keep saying to yourself, Rhiannon: London, London, London.... 3:22 a.m. I'm doing alot better, though I can't sleep. I had a feeling it would probably be one of those nights. I wouldnt mind if Lynn and Joshua werent coming over today. I guess I'll just stay up and end up being cranky all day:P I have a whole bunch of movies I'm wanting to watch, but I never get around to it. I've usually got my head up in the clouds or 6 feet under ground. I've got a bit chip out of one of my front bottom teeth. It hurts like a bitch too. I have no idea how I got it. Maybe from the piercing? Who knows. "Confusion never stops. Closing walls and ticking clocks..." O, Goddess within, O, God within, O, Goddess of the Earth, Moon, and Waters, O, God of the forests and mountains, please give me strength to go on. I need you now more than ever. Please help me to move, but never forget. Allow my heart to mend. Please keep me close to you. Thank you. 5:57 p.m. Joshua and Lynn got here about an hour ago. Joshua is his usual self and Lynn seems to be in a decent mood. Joshua has given me something to smile about. He's something to live for. He reminded me that not all beauty died a year and a half ago. His smile is so sweet and his laughter makes me so happy. Is this what it feels like to be a mother? Probably not, but I'm sure it's close. I sat and listened to my mother talking to Joshua, and it made me realize: My mom has been taking care of children almost her whole life. My oldest cousin was born when she was 10 and they lived at home with the family. Mom helped out even then. That brings back another memory of sitting in the car in a parking lot, watching people go by. Woman with children and their own mothers. It came to be then how mothers really are a girl's best friend. Girls come to their mothers for so much and they do so many things together. I am so grateful that I have my mother and we can spend time together. She has done so much for me and I don't know how to thank her. What would it be like to not have a mother? 1:40 a.m. - Thursday, Feb. 19, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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