october-moon's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A time to heal Today has been extremely emotional for me. One of the most emotional I have ever had. I've been up and down like a rollercoaster all day. I've had feelings of rejection, feelings of completely emptiness, feelings of saddness and that's just to name a few of the feelings I've had. I have to let go, at least for now. I need time to find me and sort out my feelings. Holly and Jessica are not going to get part of my life for a while. They may always be there but I can't dwell on them anymore. It's destroying my life. They will always be in my heart and they will always have my love. They may choose to connect with someone else. That is okay. That means they are needed else where. My heart will be open for them later, if they choose to return. I just hope they understand that I need time. That is what this is all about, mostly. My pain has become overwhelming and I can't, no, I won't, take it anymore. There is more to life, more to see and do. As much as I wish it didn't, the world keeps turning. I take great joy in this idea and loathe it all at the same time. Time will tell of what is truely meant to be. . As for this diary, it's been a wonderful tool for expressing my feelings and it's helped me grow much. I believe that, if I had never written in this diary, I wouldn't be here, in this very moment, feeling these feelings. I would have never had to opportunity to heal. I do believe I have to let it go, for now, of this diary. This is where most of my feelings have started and manifested. Lee, your faith is astounding. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. I hope that what we've experienced is as real as the moon and the stars, and, if it is, that we will share it in person one day. We will always have a connection. I hope, Lee, that you can understand why I am doing this. Whether this is the beginning or the end is up to you. I'm always, always here for you. .Please know that I love you simply for what, and who, you are, and for what we've experienced together. I can say this with feeling from the bottom of my heart, despite the fact that we have only known each other for a short time. This darkness and pain that we've suffered through is the end of the tunnel. We're slowing moving into the light... Thank you, Billy Corgan, for the healing lyrics of your songs. I'm most grateful for all the songs that have helped me to understand why I feel the way I do so much of the time. Thank you, Walter, for always loving me. Thank you for giving me hope when I thought there was none. Continue to be the wonderful person (and fiance) that you are! We've got so much ahead of us and I look forward to it greatly! Thanks to all who have read and listened to me complain and be totally psychotic. I know I've said all of this before, but it means a great deal to me that anyone would take time to read what I have to say. It makes me feel real and legit and those are the best feelings to ever experience. 5:57 p.m. - Thursday, Apr. 15, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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